Nursing at the babywearing picnic

Happy Elaina

Pumping....

Elaina latches on pretty well after I pump. She seems to like the left breast when it is soft. I am having some soreness on my right nipple so I don't offer it to her much. I went up a size on the flange I use on the right and that is helping. I was pumping only twice a day for a few weeks but I have added a short pumping session in the middle of the day when I can just to feel better. I have started working regularly at a daycare for 4 hours in the afternoon so it helps to pump before I go to work.

Elaina latching on

This is a big deal. Elaina like so many of her siblings seems to have a high palate and has a horrible latch. We have been pumping... OK, I have been pumping and she has received most of her breastmilk from a bottle. Lately she has been fussy even after she has finished a 4 ounce bottle (come on girl you are only 5 weeks old you don't need that much milk..) so I have been offering her my left breast. Come on ladies we all tend to have a more cooperative side. If I have just pumped and the breast is soft she latches really well and since she isn't starving she falls asleep with that dream feeding rhythm. I feel fine. There is no pain. She seems happy. All is good in boobie land. It is a start. I wouldn't even mind just feeding her on the left side and pumping on the right. We will see what happens....

I have really been struggling with my feelings about breastfeeding Elaina. Of course I want to "do the right thing" but I feel like such a hypocrite. I am a CLC who is supposed to help moms learn to breastfeed. And here I am having troubles myself. I bond differently with each child and maybe I just don't feel super close to her yet. I see that as normal. Every mother child relationships forms its own rules. I don't feel you HAVE to bond immediately with a new baby. Think about it. In the distant past and not so distant past and in certain countries today babies die. It is a fact and it happens everyday. Babies die. By not bonding with a baby right away a mother in a way is protecting herself from a grief filled moment when her child does not live. She then is able to make it through her day taking care of other children and finding enough food to survive. I am an evolutionist and I feel this delayed bonding happens for a reason. In our Western culture we have outgrown it, or so we think. I feel that post partum depression is so high in our culture because Mothers are pushed to BOND BOND BOND with that baby and if they don't they see themselves as a failure and the cycle of depression begins. Why is it that PPD is virtually unheard of in some more simpler cultures.....

I have a very dear friend who went through CLC training with me and let me go with her to help bring her adopted daughter home from Eastern Europe earlier this year. She never judges and she is so supportive... Take a moment to go look at her video talking about the daughter she left behind in Eastern Europe. Just click on the link below to see the video. If you don't feel compelled to donate please at least share the video with your friends and family. Please consider donating to their adoption fund to give a child her forever family....

http://youtu.be/Ct7I1p7op2Q

A struggle

I never know how I will be and what kind of mother I will be with each new child. It seems like I bond with my boys easily but with my girls it takes longer. With that being said I don't really feel compelled to breastfeed Elaina. Of course I am pumping and she has only had breastmilk but I rarely put her to the breast. Maybe I will wait till she is older like 3 months to try more to latch her on. I don't know. It looks like our finances won't allow me to stay at home much longer so maybe this is all fate. I feel like I am on such a roller coaster.....

Skipped a session

I was so tired last night and did not feel like getting up to pump. So I just popped Elaina onto the boob. She nursed well on one side and a little on the other. She was still restless and it was after 2am so I handed her off to Dad. I fell backdead asleep. Dad didn't have to give her a bottle till after 7am. At 7:30am I pumped 13 ounces.....

26 ounces

That is how much I have in my freezer stash. I may hold onto it for Elaina later or I may donate it. My supply is doing fine and I am pumping more than she needs. I need to slip Ben some when I get a bit more extra to play with. On average I am pumping between 6 and 8 ounces at a session. She takes about 3 ounces on demamd give or take. I am not feeding Elaina on a schedule. Even though her milk is in a bottle I want her to regulate her own feeds.

First pediatrician visit

Elaina weighed in at 8 pounds and 1 ounce today. She had a diaper on so I am sure that accounted for a little of that weight. She has had nothing to eat other than breastmilk. I am starting to get a bit of an oversupply. I put her to the breast yesterday ones and she latched OK and fell asleep. Well, that sure did jump start my production on that side. I have pumped at least an extra ounce on that side and had a lot of fullness all night last night and all day today. I could easily increase my supply by at least 6 ounces a day if I wanted to. I need to get some freezer bags. I have found a couple of families that could use some donor milk so I need to put my milk in something disposable. Right now I have 8 bottles made up in the fridge. And I am about to pump as I sit here and type.

I do plan on trying to get Elaina back onto the breast but I am trying not to stress about it. Having a newborn in my house with my responsibilities and obligations and all of the expectations of my culture and my personal beliefs can all be a bit daunting. I am hard on myself to practice what I preach when it comes to breastfeeding. I need to try and relax and just take everything one day at a time.